‘Daylight Losing Time’ is more like it

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So we just ended the annual government experiment known as Daylight Saving Time and like everything else associated with the government, it was a colossal boondoggle (which, coincidentally, was the name of my high school band). Over the past year I only managed to save about 42 minutes and most of that came from turning off the Vikings game at halftime.

The entire concept of Daylight Saving Time escapes me. Every year, we’re supposed to turn our clocks forward in the spring and backward in the fall, but I can never remember which way it goes. One year, I was two hours late for my breakfast book club at the Duluth Grill and the only thing left was a half-chewed granola bar and lukewarm kale tea. Another year I screwed it up and got to work two hours early. Luckily, I knew how to break into … uh, I mean, I KNEW WHERE THE BACK DOOR WAS LOCATED!!! … for the administrative offices, so I passed the time in the “executive suite” perusing “quarterly reports.” (Too much morning granola … )

Let’s be honest, when government officials get bees in their taxpayer-funded bonnets and try to implement a project, it’s usually a monumental failure (coincidentally, the name of my second high school band). The original intent behind Daylight Saving Time was for farmers to be out in the fields longer, spreading cow manure for miles and miles, but now we have Fox News for that. And plunging the country into a pitch-black morass from morning ’til night has just been accomplished this past election cycle.

I say let’s turn the lights out on Daylight Saving Time and find some other options for government meddling. These ideas might not have merit either, but they’d be a lot more fun than futzing with your clocks twice a year.

• Holiday Saving Time: Think of all the time we could save just by eliminating pointless holidays. I mean, Arbor Day? What good did acorns ever do for anyone? Or Groundhog Day. A fantastic movie but even Bill Murray doesn’t think we need 24 hours to celebrate it. If we can eliminate useless holidays, we can expand the important ones into an entire weekend of fun. Like Talk Like a Pirate Day. Or my birthday.*

• Morris Day and the Time Saving Time: These guys are funky, but they haven’t had a hit since “Purple Rain.” On the other hand, if we get rid of them, I might have to stop blasting “Jungle Love” out of my cassette deck at stoplights …

• Big Head Brian and the Toozers Saving Time: My third high school band. Let’s stop celebrating them and keep Morris Day.

You’re welcome, America.

*(July 7. Star Wars T-shirt. Size XL.)

Written by Brian Matuszak. Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com.

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